i found out almost a year ago that my grandma had cancer. it was such a shock. she was always so healthy... she was determined to fight it, to find alternative cures. she was going to live.
but as time went on, it became apparent that this cancer was bigger than her, that it had progressed too far for any alternative cures.
i kept asking her if i could come out and visit her. and she kept saying
no...
finally in march, i felt desperate to see her. i had a feeling it would be my last time. i asked her again. and this time, she said
yes...
i booked my ticket as quickly as possible and assembled some necessities for the trip. this would be the first time i would be with my grandma without kids or my husband in probably over 14 years. i made a CD of our favorite songs from when i was a child, the ones i remember playing from her stereo: jerry lee lewis, olivia newton-john, louis armstrong, elvis, willie nelson.
coincidentally, as i was preparing for this voyage, i ran into an old acquaintance, trina, who is a musician. her son had just joined my son's second grade class. i sent her an email and when she replied, her website was listed. i clicked on it, and listened to her beautiful music. she had recently made a cd for a friend who was dying, and i knew i needed it for my grandma.
walking up the stairs to see my grandma was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. she had changed so much from two months earlier. while i was there, we played the old songs, shared some laughs, held hands a lot, and wrote her obituary. after i read it to her, she cried. since her diagnosis, she had been numb, unable to cry or anything else. but in this moment, reality sunk in.
she looked at me, "i want to LIVE! i want to beat this! i want to SURVIVE!" what a powerful moment. we all wanted so badly for her to survive. even when she was staring death in the face, her instinct was to fight, to LIVE! sadly, she knew that she wasn't physically strong enough to fight it.
that time i spent with my grandma was so amazing, those 4 days will be forever etched in my mind. when i had to go, i cried like a baby. i couldn't let go of her. "your coming here was the best thing you ever did, amy" she said, as i gripped her and sobbed. before i left, i put in my friend's cd,and explained to my grandma it was there to comfort her on this journey.
i cried the entire plane trip home. trina's angelic voice surrounded me as i listened on my ipod.
just recently, i have revisted trina's cd. playing it today made me ache for my grandma, made me remember that time we spent together, made me remember her desire to live.
i am thankful for my strong intuition to go see my grandma when i did. she was still cognizant then. i did see her one last time in june but she was barely able to talk. she died two days after i got there.
i am grateful for her instinct to survive. she fought so hard.
i am thankful for the coincidence of running into trina again, and buying her cd, something that is still providing comfort and reminding me of my time with my grandma.
